Death of Batman

Dear NinjaSon,

OK. One day, when I am dead, you will be reading this and I will do a little dance from beyond the grave when you read once and for all in the undeniable truth of this repository of all NinjaDad knowledge the following....

THERE IS NO REAL BATMAN

This sentence should ring familiar a distant childhood memory of the years and years in which I told you day after day after day that THERE IS NO REAL BATMAN.

*sigh*

Yeah you love Batman. You love Batman so much that every day you insist that we go find him.

And then you want him to fight me.

“Daddy find Batman! Daddy Fight! Batman Fight!”

There

is

no

Batman.

Well there was Batman Rodriguez from Loisaida but that's another story altogether.

Every day, every night. Before naps and after waking from them. While on the potty, while brushing teeth. While falling fifty stories riding on my back, while throwing toy shuriken from your baby fanny pack. Day in, day out. Night out, night in. You never waiver....you never fail.....you never give up.....

“Daddy find Batman! Daddy, Batman, FIGHT!”

If our ticket puncher ever spit out the name Batman on our to-kill list then believe me son, I would find him and fight him and....c'mon let's get real here....I would take that dude out. I don't care how old I am. But unfortunately (for the both of us) he is not real. He's not like Santa.

Hmmm...wait a sec. If Batman and I were to fight....who do you want to win???

Hmmm...I didn't think about that one. A child's heart is fickle. I hope you pick me over Batman.

Remember, Batman doesn't buy you hot dogs at Gray's. Daddy buys you Gray's.

(bribery works on 3 year olds)

You Deserve Better

Dear NinjaSon,

Sorry little man. I am really sorry.

I blame you really.

As you know this place is a repository for all of my NinjaDad knowledge to be saved and deposited for your future reference when I am dead which I thought was going to be really soon since in my old age of 30something human years I am sure something is going to kill me and leave you orphaned.

Such things could be like maybe a pack of 1000 rogue ninjas. 100,000 Brooklyn mystics. The reservation system at Momofuku Ko. Godzilla if he caught me right after I ate and had a leg cramp.

Well I am going to be honest with you. I have not updated my repository of Ninja Knowledge aka NinjaDad.com because

a) I bought one of these tiny little netbook thingys with a tiny keyboard and even Ninjas can't type on these damned little machines from hell.

and

b) You make me feel like I will live forever.

It's true. These last few years with you have filled my existence with life. I see your mother in your smile. And it fills me with everything she was supposed to be and gives me such power that I know that I can accomplish anything other than that Ko reservation thing I mentioned earlier.

There is much that I have missed. Many lessons that I should have shared. But take this lesson to heart. You make me lazy. You are the answer to everything for me. I seek little. Well actually often I have to seek you out. Because you hide. Really really well you hide. Listen to me: No. Hide damn well: Yes. We still need to work on that one.

My happiness is no excuse for a lack of preparation and happiness alone cannot shield me from poison darts, giant monsters, leg cramps, or fans of David Chang.

The best time to dig a grave is in the warmth of summer listening to the laughter of friends.

Let me warm my hands.

You Can Do It

Things NinjaSon Can Do...

kill a man

push button on coffee maker

deproof any childproof device including human guards

know what time Wordworld is on using only the length of a pidgeons shadow

get out of carseat

get into carseat of another car
...while on the freeway

name 5 colors: red, blue, yellow, orange, magenta and infrared which he calls "Instafred"

block things

catch birds

dig a hole

slide

climb things

walk on ceiling

order for himself at Gray's

haggle for fake shuriken on Canal

get into Milk and Honey and ask for Milk repeatedly while asking why not a lot.

take turns

spot the dark lord of Balthazar by smell

say momofuku without getting a timeout

sew up a large wound while riding piggy back on said wound recipients back while hurtling through the rooftops of 27th chasing brooklyn mystics

transfer from the 6 to the B/D/F at Broadway-Lafayette/Bleeker without paying twice




Things NinjaSon Can Not Do:

make a poopie in the toilet



What's up with this universe?

whEr iss niNjaDad!

srry pplez i gon so longg. iv bn tring 4 fiv month 2 lrn to blog wth only the pwer of my mind.

today i
succeeded.

finally.

1 typing this
with
on;y
my brain.

dear ninjason,
bloging wit only pwer of ur brain is
superhard.

lv,
ninjadad

What the Ninja?

Stop...

the...

Madness.

Prejudice doesn't just hurt Ninja-Americans. Prejudice hurts all Americans. And Ninjas hurt some Americans too and once some French people when I was visiting Lyon last year but that is neither here nor there.

Don't dress like a Ninja and ask for candy. Ninjas don't ask for candy.

Haiku Saturday: Great Ninja Joke

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha ha Ha ha ha Ha
stop you're killing me

Crap I didn't Quite Know 10,000 Times Better Than a Normal Man #1 out of probably 5 or 6 tops

Dear NinjaSon,

There are things in this world that you know about through words or tales or history or dreams or imagination or fortune cookie fortunes and yet until you hold it in your mouth, you know nothing.

I thought I knew how to kill a Siberian Muskateet with a blade of grass and three peanut skins. I thought wrong.

I thought I knew how to find Carmen San Diego. She's not real.

I thought I knew how to block a bullet with my nose. Only half right.

I thought I knew how Forever 21 keeps their finger on the pulse of teen fashion. I wasn't even close.

I thought I knew which location was the Original Ray's. Everyone ends up a little right about this one. Still confusing as hell.

Knowing something and experiencing it are two completely different things. Even shared experiences are completely different. People who have sired children have this ridiculous belief that they somehow know something about raising kids because theirs aren't dead. Congratulations, you must be a fucking expert. Tell me your child rearing secrets.

I am Ninja. I have a big head about all kinds of stuff. Mostly like um killing related or fighting or keeping blacks black, but even I realize that raising you, my son, on my own does not qualify me to say anything to anybody about how to raise children, Ninja or otherwise. And no one, I don't care who you are, can simply imagine what it is like having a child. It's much better and far worse than anyone can imagine. Good and bad. Yin and Yang. Take tonight for example.

Tonight was the last time you cried. It hit me like a freight train, that mid-cry silence. And like only a Ninja Father knows, I knew that you had reached that Ninja milestone all Ninja Parents look so forward to until it comes. Somewhere during the first 4 years of life, all Ninja babies stop crying. As in forever. As in Johnsons and Johnsons. As in "Your song makes no sense Mr. Timberlake".

There were days that I wished for this moment to come sooner rather than later. I remember one day you cried nonstop for 40 to 70 seconds. I'm not kidding. NONSTOP. I thought I was going to die from all the racket. I apologized to all the neighbors. Killed one. But even that guy I apologized to while killing him.

But tonight, when I heard your tears stop, I ran to you and swept you into my arms and held you tight. I watched your tears dry as you smiled at my face. You smiled as I tried to do everything I could to physically slow time down. Ok I guess I did stop time for a bit. That really puts a strain on the whole frontal cortex thingermabob. But I knew I could not keep time frozen for longer than like 3 weeks, so I just stopped and let it go. My son, each moment that passes, passes. And I cannot bear being reminded of this journey that slowly mills our tomorrows into memories. And as I have said to you before, do not miss the ones that you love once they are gone. Miss them now. Know your love every small moment of this world. I knew my love for you as I held you in my arms, but I had not known how much I would miss even your tears. So although you cannot learn what it is to be a father through my words, remember that even the worst day parenting is better that your best day killing strangers.

Love,
NinjaDad